Spinning....out of control!

My life has always been in my own control.....until now...


The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Meeting him, falling in love with him before I even met him in person, not wanting him to be so far away so he moved in....but now....now I feel like I've lost part of me.  My life feels meaningless.  I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I hate what I have become.  I used to be such a confident person.  Granted, I'm not a skinny person, but I never felt the way I do about myself now.  I'm slowly dying inside, and I feel like I can't do anything to change it.  My world is spinning out of control!  I don't like this ride and I NEED to get off!  

Blahs....

Yup...a case of the blahs have hit me hard!!  Struggling to get out of bed in the morning...not wanting to even get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having!  I wish I could get over this hump!  I need to lose at least 30 lbs before summer

starting over...and over

New beginnings are always a tough one for me...Moving toward a healthier me is always a struggle. Things go well for about a week, and then I seem to get frustrated, overwhelmed, and want to just eat and give up. I'm sure that everyone struggles with this...but how do you push yourself to make that right choice that you KNOW needs to be made? I don't even like to look in the mirror because I hate the person I have become. I know that I'm the only person that can change that, but I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm told all the time that I'm a strong person, but I don't feel very strong. On the outside I may look that way, while the whole time on the inside I'm dying, I'm crying, and I'm that girl that can't take much more......

Questions and Doubt....

Moving on with a person's life should usually mean that they feel better about the decisions they have made, unless you are me of course. Every day becomes a "why bother" or "should I really be here" or constant doubt about my current relationship. Granted, the last 6 months have been alot of ups and downs, but when does it ever get to the point where you can honestly say that you have done all you can do and it is what it is?! When you lie next to someone who says they love you and you constantly wonder whether or not they really do or wonder when it's going to be the day that he says he's leaving.....considering that I have ALWAYS been the one to turn and run when things get tough, it has been hard for me. Even though when things did get rough and I felt like I couldn't take much more of the stress I do what I've always done and say leave. But when does someone know when enough is enough? How do you learn to trust? I'm not sure I can do that....and it's not really fair for the people in my life. Waking up every day wishing that you didn't even have to get out of bed....knowing that there are two little girls that need you to be strong for them....even though being strong for too long has really made you fall to pieces. Not sure if you can pick up the pieces and put them back together...sitting in the kitchen on the floor and just crying because you can't handle EVERYTHING!

Working on a better me!

Have you ever sat down and thought "how did I get to this point in my life? How did I end up this fat?" Me, I do this every day! I have been a obsessive dieter for the last 9 years! Well, let's be honest...It's probably been alot longer! No matter what I do, it never seems to be enough. For the past year, I had been living in South Dakota with my 3 beautiful children. I was not happy in my marriage and decided that I needed out. My husband was living in New Mexico for a job he had to take after losing his job in Iowa. In Iowa we had a beautiful house on an acreage in a small town. I loved it. My kids went to a great school in a great community. I tried to live in New Mexico but I was miserable. I started by moving back to our house in Iowa...but it was too hard and too lonely there. I then decided to move back to the area where I was raised. My mom lives in South Dakota, so I decided to go there. Things were okay for the most part. I went out and partied alot, leaving my kids with my mom and staying out at all hours of the night. I was still in love with my husband, but we fought so much. We went through a really tough time. He was seeing someone else and I was dating....but no one ever compared to him. A few months ago, I decided that I needed to try to make my marriage work. I love him and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. I guess I came to a realization that I needed to change myself in so many ways. I really treated him bad and all along he took me for who I was. So....when he found a job in Kansas City, I made a decision! I was moving there with him and we were going to make our marriage work!! Not only for us, but for our 3 kids. They need both of us!
Lucky for me, he has a really good insurance plan that is focused on wellness! When I found out they will reimburse him for my fees to Weight Watchers I was estatic! I had heard so many good things about weight watchers and I really wanted to try it. I needed to CHANGE the way I was doing things rather than "dieting" There was a point in my life that I was almost 240 lbs. After I had my daughter Mackenzie, I had lost alot of weight and got back down to 185. But low and behold....when I started to lose weight...I was pregnant again!! After my daughter Autumn was born I didn't have much motivation to lose weight. I was a full time nursing student and worked full time. It was alot of stress and I found myself eating....eating....and eating!

So here I am....9 years later....202 lbs and miserable in my own body! When I joined weight watchers a month ago, I weighed 210 lbs. I have changed the way I eat and exercise on the Wii every day! I would love to be able to go out and walk, but well...in the midwest...it's kinda cold right now :) My main struggle with the weight is eating out. I do GREAT during the week. Cooking at home and eating healthy for the family. But come the weekend, we end up eating out and I always end up using up all of my points in one meal! Especially since my husband is gone through the week most of the time for work. Take yesterday for instance. We decided that since he was going to be on a flight to Alabama yesterday, we would go have a dinner with just the two of us (we don't EVER get to do that) We ended up going to Denny's. I ordered an omellette....I figured, it has eggs..not too bad...and veggies....PFFFT! BADDDD IDEA!! It was 18 pts for that dang thing!!! So much for eating later on!! I love food...food is my comfort...food is my friend...When I mess up on my weekends, I have a hard time getting back on track! All I want to do is just eat some more! Even though I know I have to change this way of thinking, It's sooo hard! I'm hoping by doing this blog it will help me to have an outlet and maybe have a little more support in my journey! I know there are others out there that feel exactly the same way!!