Spinning....out of control!

My life has always been in my own control.....until now...


The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Meeting him, falling in love with him before I even met him in person, not wanting him to be so far away so he moved in....but now....now I feel like I've lost part of me.  My life feels meaningless.  I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I hate what I have become.  I used to be such a confident person.  Granted, I'm not a skinny person, but I never felt the way I do about myself now.  I'm slowly dying inside, and I feel like I can't do anything to change it.  My world is spinning out of control!  I don't like this ride and I NEED to get off!  

Blahs....

Yup...a case of the blahs have hit me hard!!  Struggling to get out of bed in the morning...not wanting to even get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having!  I wish I could get over this hump!  I need to lose at least 30 lbs before summer

starting over...and over

New beginnings are always a tough one for me...Moving toward a healthier me is always a struggle. Things go well for about a week, and then I seem to get frustrated, overwhelmed, and want to just eat and give up. I'm sure that everyone struggles with this...but how do you push yourself to make that right choice that you KNOW needs to be made? I don't even like to look in the mirror because I hate the person I have become. I know that I'm the only person that can change that, but I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm told all the time that I'm a strong person, but I don't feel very strong. On the outside I may look that way, while the whole time on the inside I'm dying, I'm crying, and I'm that girl that can't take much more......

Questions and Doubt....

Moving on with a person's life should usually mean that they feel better about the decisions they have made, unless you are me of course. Every day becomes a "why bother" or "should I really be here" or constant doubt about my current relationship. Granted, the last 6 months have been alot of ups and downs, but when does it ever get to the point where you can honestly say that you have done all you can do and it is what it is?! When you lie next to someone who says they love you and you constantly wonder whether or not they really do or wonder when it's going to be the day that he says he's leaving.....considering that I have ALWAYS been the one to turn and run when things get tough, it has been hard for me. Even though when things did get rough and I felt like I couldn't take much more of the stress I do what I've always done and say leave. But when does someone know when enough is enough? How do you learn to trust? I'm not sure I can do that....and it's not really fair for the people in my life. Waking up every day wishing that you didn't even have to get out of bed....knowing that there are two little girls that need you to be strong for them....even though being strong for too long has really made you fall to pieces. Not sure if you can pick up the pieces and put them back together...sitting in the kitchen on the floor and just crying because you can't handle EVERYTHING!